Dreams and fantasies, nightmares and realities

Little Jackie hid under the bed in her mothers room and from there she watched the curtain roll from its place and back again as the warm breeze blew through the room. She could hear familiar sounds from down the hall.  The sounds that meant it was time for her to stay hid and to be be quiet until they ended.  Panting from strange men who gave her mother money when they left.

Heavy footsteps. 

Probably a fat man.

Or maybe just tall.

Jackie didn't want to know so stayed under the bed until she heard her mothers voice.

The apartment door slammed.

"Jackie? Are you in here?"  Her mothers feet pitter patted softly, she could see them by the curtains. Her mother sighed. "Jackie come out now." Jackie stayed put but still her mother pressed, "It's the way they are Jackie, it's they way they are. Don't be angry at me for they way they are."

Pink satin house slippers. "Jackie, ice cream!"

But when she emerged from the bed her mother was gone and all  around her were a collage of the community that Jackie knew so well. Smiling women, handsome men smoking in suits, puppies running toward delicious dog food, kittens with ribbons under Christmas trees, candies and cookies in jars adorned with colorful bobbles.

"Darling" 

The voice soft and low. 

The one that she loved. 

She spun around to an open door. She walked to it.  The hallway was an ally way.  The ground was dirt and puddled with grime and stink.  Jackie looked behind her at her old friends, they all smiled at her.

 "Darling..." The voice again!  She spun back to the ally way out into the wet stink on her bare feet. Her body ached as soon as she left the magazine room.

"James?" She called into the vast gray, holding onto the walls of half crumbling buildings as she stumbled down the walk. 

"I need you James."  It felt good to say, like a splinter finally liberated from a wound. "I want you James." She let her voice be loud, that he might hear her and call back. Soon she was running, splashing through puddles, stumbling down the streets. 

"Oh my darling." Jackie smiled, she was almost there, she could feel it. She turned a corner and beamed a smile which sank like an anchor the moment her eyes fell on what she saw.

James was in a beautiful glass ball dancing with a ballerina in a powder blue costume. He spun her and exclaimed "Oh Darling!"  He was so enraptured by her that he didn't see Jackie, but the dancer did and as she stood in Eupaule, her smile so white, Jackie realized it was her mother only with white teeth as white as snow and long auburn hair. "Oh Jackie, don't be angry" She smiled "It's the way they are." She was quickly pulled away into James' arms.

All at one Jackie realized what a fool she had been.  She looked from the beautiful dancer to her own face in the glass of the ball, she was sad and tired bruised from the beating.  She covered her face and ran back toward the Bordeaux, back to the room of her old friends.  Her pain returned to her in the fullest measure while she ran.  The shame of the pain in her backside, why would he ever want me. Stupid Jackie, stupid fool girl.

 Madame Lou was shaking her head as Jackie ran up the stairs to her room. "Now you see! Now you finally see!"

But when she arrived all the figures were still, frozen. Jackie clamored closer to them and grabbed the Christmas tree.  But it was paper. Only paper. The man, he had to be real be as she grabbed for him he tore in half and from the corner of the room Jackie could see the edges of the people who were only pages torn from magazines. 

"You did this you know."  Jackie spun around and and Madame Lou and her mother were standing over her with rolled magazines in their hands and angered looks on their faces.

Her mother was first, "All these years it was just fine." And she spanked Jackie with the rolled magazine on her bottom.

Madame Lou was next "and her words burned Jackie

"We told you!  It's the way they are!  Now look what you've done. Look at this mess! Stupid girl. Silly girl!  Silly, stupid girl!"

They were both spanking Jackie with their rolled magazines and by now Jackie's lower half was throbbing, stinging with pain as she collapsed onto the floor crying. "No, he loves me. I know he loves me."

"He doesn't love you! You only need to think that. He only wants to feel good on you." And they beat her more. 

From where she lay and past the two women, Jackie could see James sitting in a chair at his desk.  There were businessmen all around him.  He looked out to Jackie from under his green visor, his pencil stopped. He placed his hands on the desk like he wanted to rise, but couldn't.

"James! James! I need you!  Tell them, James. Tell them how we love each other, James! Please say it James, if only so they know."

The blasting of whaps became stronger and she was seized with pain.

"James..."

Water. Dirty puddles.

Mud.

Jackie was lying in it. 

A pool of it.

Her eyes shot open and her body ached. She was lying in the ally way in her bedclothes. The sun was just coming up and just as her eyes started to open Sadie ran to Jackie, screaming back to the Bordeaux.

"She's here, she's here! Lou! Hurry!"  Sadie picked up her friends body and cradled her. 

"We love each other don't we James? Don't we? Won't you say it James?" Jackie's eyes were open but she was lucid. Her skin was hotter than Sadie had ever felt.

Madame Lou and Bridgette arrived in a panic and Jackie winced at the sight of Lous face. "I only wanted to feel, mother."

Lou looked down on Jackie with a sober stare, "well then you got just what you asked for didn't you."

Sadie exchanged glances, "She's gone, she's hardly even awake Lou! She needs a hospital!"

Lou hated taking girls to the hospital, but she sighed when she touched Jackie's forehead knowing right away that Sadie was right.