A time for change

 

Her belly had been swelling for weeks.  She brushed it off as eating too much but when the nausea came, she knew.

Jackie sat in the office with other women around her in various stages of their pregnancies.  Some had infants in strollers that they nursed and cooed.  They all shared friendly chit chat and looked happy to be with child.

Where Jackie had been raised, children were a burden, another mouth to feed.  The same went for the brothel.  The Mistress would rage when she found out one of the girls got pregnant!  It was a terrible expense. A girl could work a whole month only to have all the earnings to pay for the appointment to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy.  That was why the girls had to use precautions, the Mistress insisted to her patrons and the girls.  She went so far as to tell the regulars that if it became a problem, they be billed for medical procedures sent to their homes, so they obeyed for fear of shame.

She knew who's child it was.  When the thought crossed her mind of tiny feet, a white picket fence and James sauntering up the walk at five a’ clock, a rush of happiness came over her so strong it took her breath away. 

It was something she had only seen in magazines, but she could imagine how it felt.  Safe.

“There are things that can be done…It difficult situations like these…”  The phrasing of the Doctor alarmed her, and she jumped up off of the examination table.

“Why would you think I want an…an…”  Jackie wouldn’t even say the word.

The doctor looked at her and exchanged glances with the nurse who finally spoke, “Streets have eyes and walls have ears…we know about you.”

The nurse moved closer to Jackie and put her hand firmly around Jackie’s wrist, “Babies shouldn't be born into these circumstance.  You'll make it hard on everyone. Think of the shame.”

Jackie pulled her wrist away.  She took her purse and coat and stormed out of the office!

She walked as far as she could from the Doctors office down to Guthburg park and she sat on a bench by the waterway.  The swans fed and swam in family clusters.

Shame.

She had carried it a long time and had stayed in the life she lived for so long because of it.  Jackie knew that she was not as elegant or intelligent as the girls that were raised well.  Anytime she thought to leave the brothel and begin a new life, the shame was enough to keep her there.

Could there be possibilities for this child, school, friends, a respectable job?  Why not?  She could ensure it! Build a wall around her little one.  She could endure taking less if she knew that the sacrifice would not fall void of its purpose on behalf of another life.  A life that for Jackie was created by love.

But as she sat on the bench with the hope of new life inside her, the shame didn’t seem as potent as it had before. 

James.  

She loved him dearly...adored and longed for him.

But he preferred to remain transactional.  

She understood. She felt it too.  The safety of it.  There had to be a word for someone when you hated them for the choice they made while all the while respecting it entirely!

But this new life?  This call to creation?  It was a call into the unknown...a place where there were no guarantees for her nor her child nor anyone else who chose to answer its call.  It was terrible and lovely, but it could not be denied.  Her heart had already said yes.  She knew what she must do, and she had to do it fast!  If the Mistress found out, there would be no option.  Jackie had seen what had happened in situations like that. Girls made to rid themselves of child against their will were never the same...broken.

It was time.  The hour had arrived for action!