Jackies fall

"Twas just a garden in the rain

Close to a little leafy lane

A touch of color 'neath skies of gray
The raindrops kissed the flower beds
The blossoms raised their thirsty heads
A perfumed "thank you" they seemed to say


Surely here was charm beyond compare to view

Maybe it was just that I was there with you"

The record played and Jackie sat on the edge of her bed, looking out the window, waiting. Five past, quarter after...finally, half past. It was the second week he didn't come. Though last week he had cancelled and said it was work that kept him. The week before he came calling but he was late and the one before that he was far more brief than he had been, almost dutiful. 

Jackie looked over at the music box, the ballerina ever in epaulet, reaching hopefully on tip toes. She remembered the evening she and James had danced for the first time. She understood the way the ballerina was reaching, reaching for someone. Jackie had felt that way for James every time he left. Never wanting him to go, missing his face and the feel of it against hers. The bliss of him reaching back foolishly back to her from the streets as she reached down to him from her window.

Two fools. At least they weren't alone. The comfort of what it felt like to be in love together. The levity of him inside her throughout her day, making nothing else matter and even making the most difficult things feel light.

The past months with James had been too good, in their hours together he had taught her to read, write and dance. She had discovered a trove of hope inside herself. Lying beside him and listening to him read her magazines aloud to her, teasing about the soaps and braziers on the sale pages. Oh the feel of his bare chest against hers, warm and laughing on rainy afternoons in bed.

As the song continued to play on the record, she smiled at the words that sang just how her and James felt for each other...but as she caught herself smiling, she remembered that she was alone and suddenly she felt foolish.  Here she was, remembering him, while he was busy forgetting her.

Her gut clenched and she wanted to utter something out loud!

FWAP! She slammed the lid of her Jewelry box down, hiding the silly ballerina.  She remembered what Bridgette had said to her. "It's a box for babies and little girls!" She had said it long ago and Jackie had never really minded because it was a gift from him. She thought maybe she was his girl. 

She really hadn't doubted it at all.  But then, here she was waiting with no sign of his coming. Oh dear!  The words to the song!  She had always thought he had chose them just for her, that he meant them and simply couldn't speak love himself.  But surely the song meant something!

Or had it?

The thought made her rise quickly. She rushed to the record player and scratched the needle to the side with a screech! Without thinking she picked it up and broke it in half. She had to. Oh, the thought of all of her imagining was too much!  Sadie was right, Jackie was a silly girl. Taking part of something and decorating it in what she hoped it might be, rather than seeing things for what they truly were.

From beginning to end she had felt for him; deeply, truly, violently! But aside from his visits on Friday  he had always behaved as a patron should, never really doing anything out of step. Even the gifts and the music, teaching her and favoring her. Most men had a favorite whore. 

Still...he was so tender. 

He took so much time...the way he would brush his hand so lightly to her cheek.

Why? Why else would he do that? He must care...or maybe, he cared and now he didn't!

Had she don't something? Of course she had, she had held him too tightly...and besides that there was no good future for them. Afterall, Jackie was a-

Oh dear!  Oh dear God, Jackie no! Jackie felt Madame Lous admonishments to the girls who dare lose themselves in times like these and suddenly it all made sense!

"There's nothing more pitiful than a whore in love!"