Crossing words

 James almost couldn't make it.  He missed the train and took the trolly which was a bit slower and he had to walk a few blocks more.  The rain fell on his suit, soaking him.

When he arrived, he removed his coat right away and Jackie strewn his clothes about the room to dry them by the heat of the fire and they looked like bohemian poets: underclothes and robes, scattered laundry and cigarettes, skin showing, working on the crossword puzzle in the daily paper on the bed.

"What's a five letter word for affection that begins with 'A'?" Jackie peered at James in genuine curiosity.  He looked over at her trying to think.  Jackie had a sweet smell to her, a glow to her skin. She looked rounded out and softer than normal.  James had come every Friday for months and had memorized her and there was something different.  It made him him want to swallow her whole...smoke her.

He leaned over her as she filled in the squares and he bit her shoulder.  "James!" She rolled over and slapped his face innocently and it excited him even more.  He charged into her neck with a delicate ferocity, enough to subdue her and she purred and stroked the lowest  part of his back on his bare skin and gently pulled him in.  Something was different  about Jackie and he lost himself inside her in a slow kind of dreamlike state which she felt too. 

"I love you." He had never said it before.  But he said it again and kissed her and again a third time.  He looked in her eyes as though these feelings had never come over him, like seeing her for the first time. Finally, she said it too, "I love you..." She had felt desperate to say it for so long and the words willowed from her lips as though they had finally been set free.  It was though she had opened her heart all the way and the strength and resistance left her  and she poured herself into him from every point of contact from her body that touched his. He pulled her as close as he could get her but it didn't feel near enough. Closing their eyes, feeling and sensing the others proportion to pleasure, never moving too fast or too slow. They remained simultaneous and rhythmic as if he was her refuge and she was his home. 

While the rain fell outside, inside felt safe and sacred and warm as the afternoon passed.

They lie there in silence for sometime afterwards.  She wanted to tell him about the baby but what had happened felt too good to interrupt.

The Mistress came to the door.  James rose and said something to her and she left them alone for the rest of the evening and Jackie slept in his arms until morning. 

He rose without waking her and filled in a few empty squares in the crossword puzzle, dressed himself and kissed her cheek.

She woke and stroked his face. "Next Friday?"  

James sighed deeply.  "If I can...I'm running out of money!"  He laughed but they both knew he was serious.  He pulled her blankets up and kissed her forehead.  "Rest..."

After he left she looked over at the crossword puzzle which James had filled in. A-D-O-R-E...Five letter word for affection. She closed her eye for a moment of bliss until she was visited by a back note of angst.  He had said he loved her, she didn't ever want to lose that!  It was worth everything! Suddenly Jackie felt conflicted. She had been so certain she would tell him  she was pregnant.  She was certain she was willing to risk everything for the life of the child within her!  But James' love?  Could she risk loosing that?  Her mind reeled with uncertainty.

She remembered the clinic and what they had offered.  She remembered how the thought of getting rid of the baby revolted her right off, but maybe it was for the best.

Afterall, what kind of life could she offer a child?

All the remembrance of what she was, the reality of what she was not, and the shame of it all came rushing back in!  Jackie needed a moment, it was all to much to consider! 

Where could she go to find solace...clarity?